wII

Speculation is an odd thing, it grows and grows then eventually explodes in a massive PR miracle of an announcement. Almost as if someone had planted the original seed on purpose.

Wii 2 rumours are today's main speculatory egg just itching to explode into a huge mess of a arm-flailing, touch-screening, HDing ecstasy. Reports are coming in detailing leaks of the new hardware that reveal that this successor to the original wii will now run full HD and feature a new controller with touch screen.

Now gamers, not only satisfied with jerking their controllers around in questionable frantic motions will get to touch them in, what will no doubt be, highly awkward and embarrassing ways.

With actual 'fact' out of the way, I'd like to dip my hat into what I feel this new wII (geddit?) will offer.

• 3D Capabilities, perhaps even 4D. I imagine by the time this console comes out technology will be so advanced that it can be present outside of time.
• It will run on nothing but happy thoughts. Not yours mind you, but the company executives that have just fooled you into buying 'Nintendogs 5: Shitzus reloaded'
• Wii sports resort 2 will involve you avenging the death of the dog you used to play Frisbee with and will revolve around your mii undertaking a gritty adventure through seedy bars. With adult themes.
• The wii-board will be replaced with 2 wii-boards, one for each foot. Both will be required to play any wii 2 game. Both will be sold separately.
• Half-life episode 3 will be released exclusively on the wii-2 with full crowbar motion control.
• The wii-2 slim will be released simultaneously with the wii 2 as a time-saving mechanism.
• We Date 2 will be the best selling game of 2012 due to the wii 2's enhanced motion control features.
• Not only will the wii 2 babysit your kids but it will also raise them, in a way not totally dissimilar to leaving your child to a pack of wolves or lemurs.
• Adverts for the wii 2 will no longer feature families in brightly lit rooms around a sofa playing together. However they will feature said families being laid to rest in a graveyard with new, more attractive families frantically mourning their deaths. In 3D.

Day. One. Purchase.